Written January 5, 2009 (more posts below this)

One year ago tonight I spent a very pleasurable evening with Kristy. We went condo shopping and out to dinner then back to her house. We stayed up late and had a deep thoughtful conversation. We basically bore testimony to each other and Kristy sang a couple of her favorite songs to me. Our last words that evening were words of love and affection, hugs and kisses on the cheek. Only 11 hours later she lay dead in the snow. What a cherished memory for me to look back and know that we had said the things that needed to be said. I have no regrets that I left things unsaid. It brings comfort to my soul.

This year has been difficult but I try to move forward with the fortitude and strength that Kristy has. Her little boys deserve no less than what their mommy would have given them.

We are back home in Washington for good. All of your prayers have been answered. We have permanent guardianship of Brandon and Carter. We are all getting used to each other in a new setting and environment. We had the whole family together for the holidays. It really helped us to think forward instead of backwards. We are starting to feel the joy and laughter in our lives again.

I would like to talk with you briefly about grieving. These are the stages that we go through. It may help you to know where you are along the grieving path. First is SHOCK. In this case it was an incredible incomprehensible shock. Second is DENIAL. We play these mental games like we say to ourselves that Kristy will be bounding through the door with a big grin on her face and say Just kidding!! Then the incredible pain that comes with the full impact of how evil this was and that it is permanent. Then comes the Anger. Whoooahhh. In this case it is a really big one that leaves a lot of us dealing with an anger that we are not prepared to deal with. I feel like there is only one way out of the anger and that is forgiveness.

The true spiritual meaning of forgiveness is to place it in God's hands to measure out justice. This whole experience has taught me that I have a perfect faith in God's justice. It will be just as exact as it should be, no more and no less. There is absolutely no thing that I or anyone else can do to screw up David's life anymore than he has done to himself. It is our moral obligation to make sure that he is never in a position to do this to another family ever again, thus the law of the land. It is so easy to get caught up in the anger stage of grieving. If we do then we give our personal power to David Ragsdale to destroy our lives. I for one refuse to let that man have any influence or power over me ever again. The last and most important stage of grieving is GRATITUDE. Get a piece of paper and write down all of the wonderful things that Kristy brought into your life. Don't cry because she's gone but laugh and smile because she came into your life. Now come on, admit it. Your life would not have been as colorful if Kristy has not come into it. Anger and gratitude cannot dwell in the same heart. Be as determined as I am that righteousness shall prevail in my life and the lives of my loved ones.

Just remember that we are all unique individuals and our grieving will be as unique as we are. We will all be on a different time table. That is okay and cool. God and life experiences make us all different. Just keep working at it and try to learn as much from the experience as you can.

Thanks to all of you for the amazing support you have been to my family and the boys. Some acts of kindness were huge and others may be seen as small but added all together were incredible. It has shown me over and over that my Heavenly Father knows me personally and that he inspires righteous people to action in my behalf. The timing of the service and gifts were in the very moment that I needed to know that I was loved and thought of. It was too perfect to be coincidental. It was orchestrated by a higher power. God has answered your prayers abundantly. Our lives have been strengthened and enriched by this whole process as we witness the incredible good in people..

If it has been a while since you have told your mom, daughter, best friend, spouse or children that you love them... please take my advise and do it today in memory of Kristy. You never know if it will be the last conversation you will have with your loved one so say what is in your heart and have no regrets. It is an awesome thing. Oh how I know- and I am so grateful for our last loving hours together- my Kristy and I .

Love, Mom